Dearest Peter,
Watching this television program is a quite upsetting experience, to be honest. It’s all about people talking about their psychotic experiences – they must be so very brave, to talk about it so openly, like that.
There was a doctor too, who was speaking about excess of different chemicals in the brain. That may well be true, but it doesn’t really take into account how very real these experiences are, to the people who go through it.
I’m going to be really honest here, and say that actually, I really, really miss some aspects of my experiences. Not the hospital part, obviously, or worrying everyone.
What psychosis was like for me, was that I believed that I had the family I’ve always wanted. I saw a group of people around me, including my adopted kids (who were then grown up). I also saw you, my dear Peter. In this alternative “life,” past life, whatever you want to call it, you were my beloved partner.
Some days, it seems like a cosmic act of bullying, giving me “hallucinations,” of what I want most in all the world. I can’t have kids now, for medical reasons, which really hurts.
Other days, I just miss you, Peter, so much so that it takes my breath away some days. I just miss you, darling. I don’t like it sometimes when people use medical speak about my experiences, as in a part of me, I’m secretly hoping to see you again. Does that even make sense?
My dear hubby in this current life that I’m living, Teddy, has been so wonderful and supportive. You’d love him – he takes such good care of us both, bless him. It’s got a lot to do with my respect and concern for him, that I continue co-operating with mental health services. I always do, though, to the best of my ability.
Perhaps the saving grace has been my encounters with spiritualism. I went to see a medium more out of curiosity than anything else, and he started coming out with things about you, from your nickname for me – “Jay-Jay,” – to your favourite food. Is it bad that it gave me hope, that one day I might see you again? I just really, really miss you.
I think it’s wonderful, that people are talking about these things more in the media – though at times it is excruciating, as they keep hitting raw nerves.
Oh, do you like the cross stitch that I have completed, hunny? I find sewing very soothing, and it keeps my hands occupied.
Yours with love,
Jay-Jay
Letters From Jay-Jay 